There are no coincidences.

We don't always feel that we need confirmation, even when we do, deep inside somewhere.  It was confirmation enough that I was supposed to marry my fiance when I prayed for a man with specific qualities and he wound up sitting next to me on the train.  It may sound silly to you, but not to me...not to us.

So there was no silliness in today's message at church.  The verse spoken by the Pastor, the teaching he gave, was the main point in the Bible that brought me out of a life of Homosexuality.  How appropriate that it came the week before my wedding.  There was no gay bashing, no horrible accusations...and even a testimony that the church is failing in the way they treat homosexuals.  I agree. 

It's all in the approach.  I know.  I've seen and heard every approach, first hand.

Today's lesson was just another beautiful confirmation that I've chosen the right path...the path God wants me to be on.

I'm still a sinner and will never be a saint...but I will always be wary and watchful.

Thank you, Pastor Joe, for putting it so eloquently.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for breathing the message into Him.  And thank you, Lord, for giving us Your Word.

The Fight
Classic Crime

Would you go to war for me, baby
Would you cry for the weak
And die for the peace of men
Oh how can we know
You and I both know
So let's make this boatload of excuses burn and sing

One day it all comes down to this
You can sink or swim
You can handle this
One day it all comes down
One day we all go down

I'll take my heart back
And set the people free
I'll leave the dead to die
And take what's coming with me

Step back for all the world to see
Your life means all the world to me
I'll take your pain and suffering
I'm such a sucker sometimes
Sometimes we don't know
So plug up those bullet holes
Oh you feel so close, don't let go until I say

One day we'll drink to this and say
Remember when we died
We went out in flames

I'll take my heart back
And set the people free
I'll leave the dead to die
And take what's coming with me

I <3 you, Jeff.

I love that you smile 99% of the time...I love your adorable 'mad' face.  I love that you play with your fingers when you're nervous or mulling something over in your mind.

I love your generosity, I love your level-headedness, and I love your ability to listen and respond with such empathy.

I love the way you love me...the way you take care of me, even when I'm being stubborn and feeling 'independent.'

I love the way you make me feel beautiful, when I feel insecure, and when I don't.

I love your faith...I love your openness.  I love that you're not afraid to stand next to me in church, and comfort me when I'm crying my eyes out to God.  I love that you sing in worship, even though it's not loud...it's sweet and God hears you.

I love that you put up with me and my mood swings and PMS.  I love that you put up with me when I don't feel well...and that you take care of me, and let me rest, when I'm sick.

I love that you put up with my family and all of their antics.  I love that you love my mother and my grandmother as if they were your own.

I love that you have a sensitivity that is unparalleled to any man I've ever met.

I love that you were able to see past my old life, and look towards our future.

I love that you were willing to wait for me.

I love how you see the world, and know it for what it is.

I love your mind, the way it works, and the thought of figuring you out even more.

I love that you clip your nails in the bathroom because you know I hate the sound.

I love that you cook when I feel like being lazy...I love that you care about my health and well-being.

I love your ketchup addiction.

I love that you tolerate my obsessive movie-watching.  Even if it's Mamma Mia, or Beaches.   I love that you watch them with me...even Big Bird goes to Japan, when I'm reminiscing about my childhood.

I love your quiet nature.

I love your dry humor.

I love your nervousness when meeting new people.

i love the way you've blossomed since we met.

I love our mutual, mild, OCD.

I love that you didn't give up, even when I shot you down.  I love that you brought me that rose...even though I acted angry, I was glad you thought of me.

I love you when you say nothing is wrong, and I have to practically beat it out of you.

I love that you'll someday be the father of our child(ren).  You'll make a wonderful dad.

I love that you're going to be my husband.

I could go on and on...bt I'll stop for now...because you're standing in front of me with the most adorable look of curiosity.

Jeff is moving out tonight.  We've spoken with a couple Pastors, done a lot of reading and praying, and have come to the decision that sleeping under the same roof (let alone in the same bed) is not the best way to begin our lives as man and wife.

Two reasons.

1.) Although we've remained abstinate, we stare temptation in the face every evening.  We should avoid that temptation at all costs.

2.) On the same wavelength, we want to be examples to other Christians.  Yes, we may be strong enough, through Christ, to keep our love for each other at bay...but that doesn't mean other's will have that same strength.  We do not want to show anyone that it is okay or safe to put themselves in front of temptation.

I have some anxiety about this...about being in this house by myself at night...but I have faith that that Lord will protect me, calm my fears, and strengthen both of us in preparation for our 'big day.'

I'll be watching a lot of Mamma Mia to keep me occupied.  Heheee...

Do you know how many times I've watched Mamma Mia?  I freakin' LOVE that movie.  I have a few icons I've made...but you better believe I'll be making more.  Meryl Streep rocks.

Lord...help us through this...it's only a few months...

We haven't had the internet for...sheesh...a couple of weeks now I guess.  The Verizon guy came out today and finally fixed it. (yay!)

Work has been a little crazy, but nothing majorly insane.  In short - I did a (ease-of-navigation only) redesign of the company's website...got a bit of push-back, but wound up pulling through.  It'll be going live soon, and I'm WAY excited about that!  I'll be glad when it's over, because I have a crap-ton of other things to do that aren't work related!

Guest list...argh.

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Anyway...moving on...

"But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

Switching to a bit of Bible interpretation...this is part of the verse our Pastor spoke about this past Sunday.  It was very moving, and many people came to Christ even though the Pastor didn't ask if anyone was ready to accept Him.

There are a lot of translations of this verse...all talk about a race, or a course...our Pastor spoke about being on course and about staying on track.

"But none of these things move me" is speaking about the trials and tribulations in life.  Just because we stay the course of the Lord doesn't mean we won't have trials or suffering...but what it does mean...is when those things present themselves, they will be counted less worthy of our tears because we have the grace of the Lord to fall on.  As Christians, we KNOW that the Lord will pick us up, dust us off, and move us forward.

"Nor do I count my life dear to myself..."  Some hold their life so precious, that they forget that their life is not about their own fulfillment.  Our lives are measured by how we touch others.  When we die, we won't have any more 'to-do' lists...no wishes for fancy clothes and cars, no fears, no worries about tomorrow, no dieting issues, no weight issues...if we live our lives in faith, we will be rewarded with everlasting joy and peace.  Also, in this life, we will be rewarded with peace of mind, less worrying, less self-hatred....I could go on and on.  People will not remember you fondly because you had a fancy car, or a lot of money, or wore the best size 2 Versace.  People will remember the times you held their hand during their trials...the times you stayed with them when they needed you...and the times you helped them without them even having to ask.

So many people worry about death...about judgement...but I do not.  Yes, the thought of physically dying is scary.  No, I don't believe I'm worthy of Heaven...I've done a lot of bad things in my life...but I don't worry because I know the promise of Christ.  He died so that we could live.  He bore our sin so that we wouldn't have to.  If you believe in Christ and His power, you will not be judged in death.  You will be found worthy of Heaven because of your faith.  Those who do not have faith will be judged by works...I know I wouldn't want that.  Sure, overall I feel like I'm a good person...but do I think that all of my sins (let's not forget those just against myself) are outweighed by my 'good deeds?'  I can't be sure.

The only thing I am sure of is the love of Christ.  He's shown it to me by pulling me from the darkness and shining His light on my life.  I had to hit bottom before I looked up and cried out...but I came, willingly, back into the arms of my Father...after so many years.  It was the best decision of my life.  I bear the tattoo of the shadow of the cross on my arm to forever remind me of the beautiful promise of Christ...and I wear the cross around my neck to show other's I'm not ashamed.

I'm not ashamed of my God.  I'm not ashamed of Christ.  I'm not ashamed to scream that He is the only TRUE path to happiness.  The problem is not always lack of witness, it is lack of hearing.  Some hear, but do not comprehend...some look, but do not see.

If you want to know about Christ...if you truly WANT to know Him...ask.  Ask me, ask Him...ask anyone who is a true believer.  But please, don't remind me of myself just a few short years ago...drinking, drugging, lying, self-hating, SELF-DESTROYING.  Not believing because my head told me it didn't make sense.  Not believing because other people told me how stupid it was.  Not believing because I didn't want to 'conform.'

It had nothing to do with conforming.  I didn't WANT to change.  Some strange part of me liked destroying myself...perhaps because I felt like I didn't deserve anything good in my life.  Guess what?  I didn't.  We don't.  The things we do to ourselves and to others...we don't deserve anything good.  But through faith...by reaching up and surrendering control of our lives...by choosing to get back 'on course'...the course God designed for us that leads to happiness and fulfillment...we can find that goodness, through His grace.

My God is a loving God.  He is a willing God.  He is a SAVING God.

All you have to do...is believe, learn, and surrender.  It does not mean being out of control...it puts you back IN control.  When you're controlling your own life, you are being controlled by nothingness...by emptiness.  When you surrender to God, you are being controlled by the Holy Spirit.  It's beautiful and it's refreshing and healing and everything in between.

I pray...that whoever is reading this, at this moment...feels the warmth of Christ in their body...feels the fire of the Holy Spirit entering their soul and the blood of Christ washing them white as snow.  I pray they feel his comforting arms wrapped around them...and when they do...I pray they feel His peace and grab onto it.  I pray they look up and say 'Father...I love you...and I'll never leave you again."

Well...my wedding dress, the veil, the shoes, the headpiece, the 'walk down the isle' music we picked...and everything else...has arrived!

Now I need to actually go pick them up.

Then get working on the invites...ugh.

Then get working on the DJ...

Then get working on the Photographer...

Then...well, you get the idea.

I'm tired already. LOL

Making One's Calling and Election Sure

3. His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

4.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;

6. and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;

7. and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

8. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

9.But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,

11. and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 3-11

I had just woken up...and I was scrolling through facebook updates to see what my friends and family have been up to.  Something caught my eye...and I blinked...one, two...three times.  Then, I flipped out!

As some people already know, I recently tracked down my real father, and found out I have 3 sisters.  So how much did it freak me out to see this picture on facebook this morning:



That's me!  No wait...it can't be me...I've never met my dad in person!  IT'S MY SISTER.

I immediately called my mother, sent her the picture...and even SHE thought it was me.

FREAKY.

Time for a change...so I re-did my layout.  Happiness!

I've been so busy all week...this morning I hit a wall when I woke up.  (A figurative wall, lol)  I've been struggling to get through the day with my eyes open.  It doesn't help that there's hardly anyone here at work, and not much work to do at the moment!

I brought my laptop with me to work on the website mock-up a bit more...so that's the only reason I can actually get onto livejournal to update.  *sigh*  I need to keep busy for the next couple hours...

I'm so tired...I mentioned that I have been helping out at my old job, training someone from the front desk after I get off work.  I've been working 12 hour days the past three days, and I'm POOPED.  I'm supposed to rain again today...haven't decided yet if my body is up for it, but we'll see as the day goes on.

God give me strength.

I don't think I've ever been this busy.  I don't mind being busy...actually I'm starting to like it, because it actually eases my anxiety a bit.  Go figure.  Less sleep of course...I'll have to work that one out!!!

Random things going on right now:

- House:  Settlement date is closing in...June 5th!  It's coming so quickly!  I've been pouring over 'This Old House' magazines from time to time, getting ideas on renovations we'll be doing in June (and beyond).  Good news is, we've picked the couch we want to get and found it CHEAP at a couple of places!  Woo!  Also we've pretty much narrowed down paint colors...and I'm going to get the Dego Kitchen I want so bad LOL

- Wedding:  I've picked my dress, and my Bridesmaides and Maid of honor have picked their dresses as well...we just have to order them.  The Ceremony and Reception will be held at the Philadelphia Cricket Club (SO MUCH MORE than I ever DREAMED, thank you Lord...) in Chestnut Hill.  Jeff and I went to meet again with the wedding coordinator last night to discuss the menu, deposit, rehersal, etc, etc.  It went well...and as a side note, I was so blessed to be able to get the date we wanted.  October 17th!  Happy birthday Mom-Mom...and God rest your soul.

- Work:  Not only have I been working my regular job, but I've also been training the new Admins at my old job.  Go figure.  That means I'm leaving my house at 6:40...going to work...then going to DPT...and not getting home until 7:30 or 8.  Lovely!  I don't mind so much though...they're my friends, and a bit of extra cash in my pocket never hurts (especially with a wedding coming up!)

- More Work:  After (severe) analysis of our (Confidential Company Name Here) results, I concluded our website needed an overhaul.  I told my boss I could make it more user friendly, more aesthetically pleasing and more informative with minor changes that could be done without hiring an outside person...this would improve our customer satisfaction, company image, etc.  Well, I did a mock up and presented it to my boss yesterday.. He LOVED it!  Yayyyyyyy!  I have a meeting today with our IT department to discuss the changes.  (Lord, bless my boss for being so forward-thinking, and allowing people to excercise their talents.)

- South Beach Diet:  After speaking to my GYN recently about my headaches and whatnot...he noted that Estrogen is stored in fat cells.  #1, I've gotten heavier over the past year, which means I am producing and storing more estrogen.  #2, because of my blood disorder, extra hormones = BAD.  I will never be allowed to take birth control, hormone supplements (here is where you feel bad for Jeff when I hit menopause), etc. because they would severely increase my chances of a blood clot.  That being aid, he suggested the South Beach Diet.  I was a little skeptical at first...but read the book, and started the diet this past Saturday.  It's actually easy to follow (I don't have to give up my beloved cheese!) and the first two weeks are the hardest.  So far, I've lost 6 pounds (Since Saturday!), healthily!  I'm never hungry, either.  This diet actually encourages you to eat.  LOVING it!  I think I may actually stick with this one!  (Lord, give me the strength, and will-power to make my body healthy...a more appropriate temple for Your Holy Spirit.)

- Friends:  I seriously have some amazing friends, and am growing closer to my new friends day by day.  Just their smiles keep me going every day. (Thank you Lord, for the many blessed people you have put in my life.)

There is so much more...but I simply can't keep going...becuase I have 20 minutes to dry my hair, get ready, and get the heck out of here! LOL

My Mother and Grandmother are coming to Philly today...I'm SO excited.  My Mom's on the plane as I speak *Lord, keep her safe* and she should touchdown around 10:30.  We have an appointment with the realtor later tonight to see the house...and they'll be here until Monday, so we'll go from there!

I'm so happy when I get to see my Mom...you never realize how much you love someone until they're far away.

So I've been transferring all of my pictures onto an external hard drive, just in case something happens to one of my computers.  As I was going through the files on my dinosaur of a desktop, I came across some pictures of me from around 2004/2005.

It's amazing how, when taking those pictures, I remember thinking I needed to lose a few pounds.  Well...JEEZ was I skinny! LOL

There were a couple pictures in particular that about knocked me on my butt.  I can't believe I was that thin!  This is definitely an example of vanity, and how even when we look good, evil can creep in and say 'no...you don't.'

I'm not wishing I was *that* thin again.  I mean, I do wish to lose some weight (for health reasons, mostly)...but this was more a post for myself.  To remind ME that weight doesn't equal happiness.

Back then - thin and miserable

Now - Chunky and happy :D

First, my mommy is coming next week!!!!  I'm so excited...whenever I get to see her I feel so blessed, since I don't get to see her as often as I'd like.  We will have four days together, starting next Friday.  Friday afternoon we have an appointment with the Realtor, so I can show her the house.  Saturday is my endoscopy, and I'm glad she'll be there for that...other than that, I'm not sure what else we'll be doing.  I know we'll be looking at wedding dresses at some point as well. :)  My grandmother (Mimi) is coming too...it's going be sooo fun.

Switching topics, I'm sitting here cramping and feeling lazy.  (You know, girls...that you don't want to do anything those first couple days of your period.)  My wonderful fiancee is in the kitchen, scrubbing away.

I should join in...I don't want to...but I will. lol

You cannot even tie your shoes, on your own.

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Romans 12
1. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship.  2.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.   3.  For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

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Some people that I've spoken to recently don't understand what surrendering really means, so I'm going to try to explain it the best I can...

People do not want to be told how to live.  People don't want to be told what is right and what is wrong.  For these reasons, people often choose to ignore the Word of God (Jesus, the Holy Spirit), turn away from Christians, and say "who do they think they are?!"  Surrendering is one of the hardest things to do, because we, as humans, always want to be in control.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  –Galatians 2:20

You could not breathe without God, because God gives you your every breath.  You couldn't comprehend without God, because He gives you the power of thought.  You could not make choices without God (even bad ones) because He alone has given you free will.

Surrendering means acknowledging that you cannot do things on your own.  Acknowledging that you are powerless without the Power of God. 

When we attempt to take control of our own lives, things get very distorted...they get messed up.  We treat our bodies badly, we emotionally berate ourselves, we physically abuse ourselves, we verbally and physically abuse others....the list goes on and on.  We make bad choices, on our own.

People wonder...why can't I (insert here)?

Easy.  You can't *fully* do anything on your own.  You may feel a certain sense of accomplishment when doing things 'all by yourself,' but those feelings are short lived.  We are weak without God, and who wouldn't be, with all of the temptation that surrounds us?

Surrendering is the only way to accomplish anything in life.  I, personally, have surrendered all of the things I want to happen, to the Lord.  It's His will to decide whether the things I want are the things that are best for me.

I am not strong, I am weak...and still, from time to time, I find myself trying to do something on my own...to take control.  It just never works out that way.  For example, my eating habits.  Instead of asking the Lord to provide for me when I'm hungry, and asking Him to help me choose what is best to put in my body, I take it upon myself to shovel in whatever I want.  I am overweight because of this.  It's no one's fault but my own, for not asking God for help.  Sure, I ask Him from time to time...but I don't *live* it.  I don't ask Him with each hunger pang, to lead me.  However, I am getting better at it...

I am only strong when I revel in the strength of the Lord.  Think of David and Goliath...a small child who was able to defeat a beast of a man, and only because he surrendered to God and pronounced His name.

We do not know all...only God does.  So why wouldn't we surrender authority to the One who knows, for certain, what is best?

Jesus sacrificed Himself for us, for our sins, so that if we turn away from them we will be forgiven no matter what we've done.  We should, therefore, sacrifice ourselves for Him.  By 'ourselves' I mean, our sins, our temptations, our flesh and our minds...accept forgiveness, and surrender to His power.

Sometimes I am overjoyed when a soul that didn't even realize it had strayed, comes back to the Lord...and I rejoice.

Sometimes I feel like shouting...screaming to my friends that Jesus is the only answer...to turn back from the darkness they're about to enter...to realize that their only strength, is His strength.

Sometimes I feel like shaking someone...and saying "Don't you see?  It IS hard...it's the hardest thing you'll EVER have to go through...but it's WORTH IT.  HEAVEN, PEACE, HAPPINESS...they're all ENOUGH OF A REASON to resist temptation.  And the Lord will be with you the WHOLE way, if only you let HIm."

Sometimes I feel like whispering...He's the one you're missing...the emptiness you feel is the void He's waiting to fill...you cannot do anything on your own.

And sometimes, I just feel like crying...crying for those who will never see...because they have to see to believe, but they will only see IF they believe...

Today, I've been through each of these emotions...and I thank God for them.  I thank Him for showing me the way, for making my life so happy and fruitful...and I ask Him to bring my friends to Jesus...I ask Him to show them what it really *means* to surrender...so that they can find true happiness as well.

Lord, bring peace to those who are hurting deeply right now...comfort them...wrap your arms around them...build hedges around their souls, their hearts, their minds, and dwell within their empty spaces.  Lord bring those who are straying back to you...pull at their hearts, and let them know that prodigals are welcome in Your House.  Tell them, that when one sinner comes to Christ, a thousand angels in Heaven rejoice.  Show them your mercy.  Show them, Lord, that You are the only one who can put their broken pieces back together.  Help me Lord, as your witness...to testify truthfully, and correctly, on your behalf.  In Jesus Name, Amen.